Fair Share

One lazy afternoon, I decided to engage my then 3-year-old daughter, Sasha, in what I thought would be some educational fun. "Hey, guess what?" I said. "You and your friend Sarah have three of the same letters in your names!" I wrote the names on a chalkboard, where Sasha eyed them suspiciously. "see, you both have S, H, and A," I explained, dreams of high verbal SAT scores dancing in my head. I was completely unprepared for what followed. "Nooo!" she screamed. "Sarah can't have my S or my A! They're miiiinnne!"

I was shocked - was I really raising a child so incapable of sharing that she insisted on having the entire alphabet to herself? The answer is yes - for me and every other parent with a preschooler. "We're born as social creatures, but learning to socialize - and that includes sharing - is something young kids need experience with," explains Allison Sallee, Ph. D., executive director of Tejas Family Guidance Center, in Austin. Here's why your child is so possessive - and how you can make sharing easier.

Preschoolers have yet to master empathy.

To a 3- or 4-year-old, ripping a ball from his friend's hands because he wants to play with it is no big deal. One reason for grabbiness: "Many children are still figuring out how to place themselves in someone else's shoes, so your child may not realize that he's hurting another child's feelings by taking his toy," says Mary Zurn, Ph. D., vice president of education and professional development at Primrose Schools in Atlanta.

What to do

 Help your child learn to ask for what he wants and label his feelings in stressful situations ("Sam is sad that you won't let him have one of your crackers"). Then, mention a time when he felt sad himself ("Remember how upset you were when Sam took your car? Now he's feeling sad too"). "Make sure your child knows you expect him to use the words he's learned to express how he feels, so he'll be more likely to communicate and less likely to act out," says Dr. Zurn. And preempt conflicts by putting away a few toys he'd rather not share before playdates and offering activities that give everyone options, like coloring.

They don't understand time.

The concept of time, as in "Catherine can have a turn playing with the pony for five minutes," is completely lost on preschoolers. "To your child, relinquishing her toy to a friend for even a few minutes can seem like hours," says Dr. Sallee.

What do do

Make time more concrete by using a kitchen timer. Tell your child that when the bell goes off, her friend gets a turn with the toy - and then you'll set the timer again. When you're away from home, use the timer on your cell phone. Also look for opportunities to point out how time works in daily life. If you are heating up something in the microwave, explain that the food will be ready in two minutes when the buzzer starts beeping.

Kids this age have a hard time controlling their impulses.

Ever wonder why your child pushes his friend away from his play kitchen just seconds after you've reminded him to make room for both of them? He simply can't stop himself. "Often, 3- or 4-year-olds get caught up in the moment and won't remember to use their words, especially if they are out of their familiar surroundings or routine," says Dr. Sallee. Instead, they might express themselves by grabbing, pushing, or even throwing a fit.

What to do

Children learn impulse control gradually, so try to limit your expectations. "The truth is, kids are still going to grab each other's toys, even when they're old enough to know they shouldn't. The best you can do is to model good behavior to help your child catch on," says Dr. Sallee. And don't worry - even the most seemingly self-centered kids eventually come around. Not long after her meltdown over her name, Sasha decided that she and Sarah could share the alphabet - as long as she got to keep the numbers 1 through 10. At least it's a little progress!

Article from Parents Magazine | March 2011 issue

The Toddler Dictionary

When you say: "Shh, quiet!"

You mean: We're in the library, and I'm mortified you're being so loud!

Why your kid doesn't get it: Toddlers are still learning to modulate their voice an damage impulse and control. "Moreover, social graces - like knowing when a situation calls for a whisper - take time for them to internalize," explains Parents advisor Michele Borba, Ed. D., author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Speak toddler: Whisper, "use this voice!" Little kids are natural copycats, so if you show your child how you'd like him to talk, he will likely follow, Dr. Borba notes. Also practice talking in "quiet voices" at home. "It'll make things easier if you allow your kid to transfer the behavior from a secure environment, on-on-one with you, into the real world," Dr. Borba says. Finally, tailor your expectations to where he is developmentally. Expect to whisper reminders and to take him to the lobby frequently the first few times you visit a new quiet-required environment. Ultimately, you'll see a big payoff.

When you say: "Don't be rude!"

You mean: Show a little respect for me!

Why your kid doesn't get it: As young children discover that their language has power, they begin to be defiant. "Toddlers talk back because they're testing limits," says Jeff Bernstein, Ph. D., a family therapist and author of Liking the Child You Love - it's one way they begin asserting their independence. So if your child shouts "No!" when you ask her to put away her playthings, it's not because she's trying to be a pain; she just wants some control.

Speak toddler: Don't take it personally and snap at your child when she's challenging you - it's a necessary step toward becoming an adult. "Model the right way of interacting. Calmly say, 'It's not okay to talk to me that way,'" Dr. Bernstain recommends. Next, empower her by offering her some choices. You might say, "Do you want to put away blocks first or books?" Once your kid has some of the control she craves, she's more likely to comply.

When you say: "Do that again and you'll get a time-out!"

You mean: Can't you listen and follow directions? I feel like a broken record!

Why your kid doesn't get it: What exactly drives your child to repeat something immediately after you've made this threat? Well, it's not that he's willfully ignoring you (you can look forward to that later!). "Little kids still haven't developed the capacity to understand cause and effect," Dr. Borba explains. In other words, telling your toddler that there will be a consequence if he continues to do something simply won't wink in enough to scare him off the bad behavior.

Speak toddler: Don't speak at all! The fastest way to fix the issue is to simply remove your kid from the situation and get him interested in something else, Dr. Borba recommends. So if he won't stop splashing the water in the dog bowl, redirect to his attention: Gently pick him up, move to the couch, and start a new activity together, like doing a puzzle or reading a book. not only will it nip any naughtiness in the bud, but over time it will show him that certain pursuits (like spilling water all over the floor) are no-nos.

When you say: "Be gentle!"

You mean: Stop torturing the cat!

Why your kid doesn't get it: For starters, she may not understand what gentle means, says Julie Holland M. D., assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine. "In addition, toddlers are still in the process of developing empathy," she explains. While your kid may be starting to realize that others have feelings, she's still pretty egocentric - and she's not going to be thinking about how her actions affect others all the time.

Speak toddler: Encourage your little one to be more understanding by verbalizing feelings for her. You might say, "It really hurts the cat when you pull his tail - just like it hurts when you fall down." Then try giving a more specific command as you show your toddler the right way to do things. For example, try, "This is how we pet a kitty," while taking her hand and using it to delicately stroke your pet. As you do so, repeat the word gentle several times, illustrating what it actually is. Finally, give your child the chance to do it on her own. Dr. Borba suggests: "After exaggeratedly saying 'gentle' while stroking the cat together, say, 'Now you shoe me gentle.'"

When you say: "Go to your room and think about what you've done!"

You mean: I need to imagine you marinating in your own guilt!

Why your kid doesn't get it: "That's like telling your dog to think about what he's done," says Dr. Holland. "A 2-year-old is about as able to follow this direction as a pet is! Most toddlers can't reflect upon what they've done in a meaningful way."

Speak Toddler: You can't expect your kid to ponder his conduct on his own and come to see the error of his ways - but you can help him learn the correct way of doing things. Since he learns more by watching and doing than by listening to you lecture about right and wrong, try modeling and role-playing the behavior you want to see, Dr. Holland suggests. For example, if your child refuses to share and snatches toys from his sibling, make sure he sees you split your apple slices with his big brother at snacktime. When he offers you one, give a big "Thank you!" and hand him one of yours later. You might also set up a tea party with stuffed animals and have him practice sharing with them. When you make proper behavior a game, he'll naturally want to join in.

Article from Parents Magazine | March 2011 issue

Make-It Topic: Dance

Imaginative:

• Set up a dance studio using a bar on the wall and dance mats or create a dance bar
• Place out dance costumes for the children to try on
• Place out  Hawaiian Lei’s for the children to have a luau
• Place out dance shoes (ballet, tap you can often ask dance schools for old shoes with holes they do donate them)

Language:

• Read “Angelina Ballerina”
• Read “Barn Yard Dance” by Sandra Boynton
• Read poems about dance

Art:

• Make a collage of foot prints
• Lay out a large piece of paper  outside, use paint or color chalk on the children’s feet, allow them to dance a picture
• Make streamers  using paper and paper towel tubes
• Find dance pictures have the children cut them out to make a collage
• Make paper grass skirts
• Make lei’s to dance with

Water/Sand:

• Have shoes in the water table for washing
• Place shoe laces into the sand table with cups
• Place colored water encourage the children to let their fingers dance in the water
• Place out a series of tubes in the sand for dancing sand

Gross Motor:

• Place out foot prints for the children to follow doing a simple dance
• Grab small blankets for each child go outside have music let the children move with the blankets
• Play freeze dance; play the music when it stops everyone freezes
• Play hoops everyone dances around a hoop till the music stops then hop into a hoop almost like musical chairs
• Use streamers to dance with 
• Place out mats for the children to move on

Science/Curiosity:

• Use soda water and raisins to make dancing raisins
• Oil and water jars with sea creatures

Conceptual/Tabletop/Fine Motor:

• Have pictures of dancers to match
• Have dance sequencing cards 
• Lace up dance shoes
• Make a pictures of dancers for lacing
• Bead strings

Music:

• Dance to music
• Have different music such as bells and drums out
• Rain sounds

Quiet:

• Place out dance books
• Make a studio out of flannel have pictures the children can move around

Cooking:

• Make musical  bread make bread dough turn on music have the children shape it then bake and serve with jelly

Field Trips:

• Go to a dance studio for some dance time
• Arrange to have a instructor come to show the children some moves